Monday, December 06, 2004
I dont know if it is possible to put my mind at ease. If i do, it is when i am sleeping: in complete peace and repose, not thinking about the endless things that I think about when I wake up. These "things" are impossible NOT to think about. It is easier said than done. I will admit something about myself: I am the most SELFLESS person I know. This is why I think about the well being of others before I do think about myself. It may be a nice quality but it can be my biggest flaw. I was sitting in church yesterday and my mind begand to wander. Because I was thinking about everything, I almost cried. Im worried about them and how they will fare when I leave. They may not know but I really do care about them and I am sacred that they will feel alone when I leave. I dont want them to be alone. I dont want to leave everyone. I hate being scared of change, but maybe its what I need. "Change...is to give up what we are, to become what we could be." I will miss everyone and I plan on seeing everyone when I do come back. That's a promise!
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Still, this is what I think: I would rather live on, carrying the memory until the end. Because even if it a sad memory,even if it is a memory that only hurts me, even if it is a memory that I would rather forget, If i carry it until the end, without running away from it, someday I may become myself who wouldn't lose to those memories. I believe it. Because, I want to believe it, there is no such memory that you can forget. So, the truth is that I didnt want you to forget about me. The truth is that this is my childish wish.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
I think I had a mental breakdown last night. Everything just got to me and I just started crying. It was like that for a hour and a half. I thought watching some Fresh Prince would change that but it didnt stop. Nothing consoled me at that this point. I cried my self to sleep till 2am. I really dont know why I couldnt stop. I just felt right to have a good cry. And did it help? I just feel down today. I want to talk to someone but I cant...I dont know myself why it happened I just felt REALLY depressed.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
I need time out from studying...
Lately I ve been wondering if my college work is really paying off. I feel like I hit a fork in the road but I havent walked a path yet. Right now I'm appling to eight colleges just for my major. Im still really really upset about the bad advisment that my counselor gave me spring semester. I dont trust anything my school tells me anymore. Its all crap to me. They screwed me over twice and that has made 2 out of the 3 years of college completely wasted. Because of their mistake, I cant apply to this school I really wanted to attend. You would imagine with a major like mine, with the high demand for nurses, the schools would be addmitting everyone. But we all know that it isn't that easy just to accept everyone....but it makes sense to right? I have never been this overwhelmed before. I get so frustrated to the point where I would literally break down and cry. I dont know where to go sometimes. I know there is something wrong with me. I dont know who I am anymore. Everyone says I'm a hard worker.....am i really? I guess it depends on IF i consider myself one...so I guess I dont. Everyone says I'm smart.....is that so? Why do I feel ignorant when I explain things?
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
Its true that If you always remember someone, they will never be forgotten. Its still hard to accept that three people whom i have grown to love more and more each day are now gone. One I have not met my Auntie Rita but I have heard she was a kind and gentle woman. My Uncle Roy who I was just reunited with was taken away even before I even got to know him. Auntie Vicki who was like a mentor to me. And Lola who gave her family love that would never fade. The other night I was sitting alone at my computer. I suddenly felt that I wasnt alone. I instantly knew who it was and I wasnt scared. Instead I felt at ease and happy. Then I started to cry. I know that I might have just remembered all of my loved ones at that moment.....But it felt real...as if they had never gone away. I love you all and I will always remember you.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Who is this?
This is me.
Who am I?
I am I.
In a way I have seen myself as independent but then again I sometimes need someone to tell me what is justified and what is wrong. I want to become independent on the whole . I want to do things for MYSELF. Why is it that I come off as helpless? Why do i come off as weak? I want my college experiece to be memorable but then again I want it to be enjoyable. I dont see that happening right now. I see no point in proceeding. Everything just gets worse as every day comes and goes. I know I have told other people that things will definitely get better when they have had a string of bad days. But my string of bad luck lasted for about a year. I get emotionally,mentally and physically brought down and yet I find the positive in the bad events that happen to me. But now it seems pointless to find the positive in any negative. Is this what karma really is? I havent done anything wrong. Why does everything never turn out how i want it to? I know everyone cant get what they want sometimes. Maybe its just me being spoiled. But all I know is that I am seriously on the verge of a mental breakdown.
